Aries: Looks like you are very horny today and may actually end up raping someone, so be a little bit careful okay.
Taurus: A very good mood you are in right now huh? Good because everyone seems to be loving it and loving you! Think it is time to start wearing basically nothing, maybe naked then everyone could worship you and you could become like a god?
Gemini: Yo Gemini girls, seem you kind of effed right up these days? Is it bad debt or are you just spending it all? The future for you holds, more work. Maybe work after hours as a hoe? You’re welcome.
Cancer: That bitch always up in yo grill is going to hell soon. so be happy!
Leo: Your luck is in good shape, now would be the best time to apply for a loan.
Virgo: Stop being a little virgin, emotional security is for old people and lesbian. you need to go have a shag and let go of all that frustration dammit.
Libra: You may find your true love sweetheart! But keep safe because someone may rob you/attack you. you have been warned.
Scorpion: The robot must compute, the robot compute. You just get more and more efficient at everything. Change the name to anal terminator for boys, deep bucket for girls.
Sagittarius: A talkative mood, you are in recently. What can you get or gain from having such a big mouth? I dunno. But I know what i like to do to a big mouth.
Capricorn: You will be able to have sex for a very long time. But only till the end of the month.
Aquarius: Your community spirit is high. Maybe its time for that Ménage à trois.
Pisces: You have to get a divorce if you are married and get back with an ex. I think it is better if you just had both. Have your cake and eat it!